I am interested in what other people have to say on this topic too. I have always had conflict where birthday parties are concerned. Especially with the trio. I as a child did have "friend parties", but only 2 or 3 and maybe the reason for that was because I never grew up around extended family, also they were held at my home. As for now, I didn't start dropping my oldest off at parties until he was almost 7, and I asked the parent if that was ok with them - by that time it usually is - but I was sure to always ask. With the trio I always offer to stay, at this point with them most of the parents do anyway, but a few are starting to leave. Not all the parties I have been at feed the parents, but more often than not they do. I don't know what is right.

I see no need to have a friend party for any child younger than 4. I mean will they even remember it? As for the goody bags, there is no getting around that - it's expected and if you don't have them to hand out at the end they kids are disappointed. I don't get it, but I know all the kids I've dealt with over the years, it's a highlight for them to go diving through that goodie bag at the end.

So IMHO in having a party outside the home, I hope for the best (that some parents stay), expect the worst (no parents stay), DO WHAT WE CAN AFFORD, and hope everyone has a good time :-)

This is a VERY good topic! Watch for this week's Frugal Family which ironically coincides nicely. As a mom who's in the heart of her sons' birthday "season," I'm excited to see some of the responses to this. There never seems to be one solid answer, but I'm quite ready for one! How easy would it be to have one standard for kid parties?!

I have lots of feelings about this subject. For our daughter who just had her 5th birthday, we again had just family and close friends at our house. We'd want those people to come celebrate her birthday with us anyway-and lets face it, although grand parents probably do enjoy watching their grand children jump around, bounce, or learn karate, I don't think it's necessary for the whole family (aunts, uncles, etc.) to go to one of those places. So, that puts us in a pickle...have 2 parties?-NO WAY. I don't feel the need to invite the whole class to her party, nor do I expect she is invited to everyone else's party. She has some close friends at school and that's fine-she doesn't have to be close friends with everyone. And, we have never encountered her feeling "left out" because she wasn't invited to a party. Do they have fun at these parties? Sure, but don't they also have fun with their friends in the back yard, at a park, or just playing dress up in the house? And, in the comfort of our own home, we can take our time and really celebrate what we're supposed to be celebrating. As far as "goodie" bags go, I usually just get one big thing-this year it was a "noodle" for the pool (a whole $1.50!!). The goal for our birthday parties is for everyone to have fun, enjoy the food and company and not worry so much about what is and isn't the "right" thing.

One more thought about favors...and I think I'm going to do it next year. What about donating money to some organization in lieu of favors? I'm sure many parents could (and would) appreciate that.

I like to ask myself one question: What will the child enjoy the most? To me the answer is a combination of close family members and friends. I do not understand the urge to invite every family member especially those that you never see. It's not about them it's about the child. Recently I had a daughter turn 5. We invited the pre-school class, close family and a few of our friends that had kids. It was great!!! As for presents, we have too many toys already. We put on the invitation what clothing size we needed and reminded everybody of the college savings account. The guests were awesome and now we have almost enough clothing for the summer and more money in the 529. Using places like Bounce U is also a good idea but it gets expensive. Doing this occassionally makes sense I think.

I'm probably going to sound like a birthday 'grinch,' but I don't understand the rationale for having "goodie bags" for party guests. Growing up I don't remember such a thing, either at my birthday parties or those of others. I guess our parties were pretty modest by today's standards, but I think that regardless of economic status it's important for children to learn the concept of "giving without expecting something in return." Birthday parties provide parents with a great opportunity to instill this value, but if the expectation that each guest will receive a gift exists, that opportunity is lost, or at least minimized. I do think the idea of donating something to charity in lieu of favors is a good one.

As a mother who successfully raised three kids, let me tell you about the "Best" birthday party my daughter ever had. And the "Best" adjective came from every child who attended, who couldn't wait to tell their parents about what we did. You see, we did not have the money for the birthday party at Chucky Cheese or any of the other popular kid spots. So we did something shocking - we had it at our house and we just had fun. We bobbed for apples, had a scavenger hunt outside, and played those same silly party games they played when I was a kid, like who could sit on a balloon and break it first. They took home goody bags - inside was the cupcake they decorated themselves (I bought all sorts of fun sprinkles and candies). For one of my son's birthday parties, we held an olympics with "games" we made up and awarded "medals" which were those chocolates that are covered with foil to look like a coin, glued to a ribbon. Everyone won a ribbon for something. Again, very low cost and a ton of fun.

I have a bday party for my children every year. With my daughter being 5 and my son being 11....I have two different scopes. With my daughter being so young, up until now, we had just family and possibly a friend or two that happened to be close friends as well at the party...and it was just family. But I think 5/6 is a good age to start having friend parties. I do invite the whole class....I think inviting just a couple from the class hurts their feelings....and I have encountered some children that weren't invited to someone bday party and all they did was cry. Thank goodness my children seem to be on the party list...but for the kids that didn't have parties that included everyone...it did hurt some feelings...at the young age. NOW...with my son being 11, last year was the first year we had "limited" space....so he was only able to have a couple of friends over. This year, we did the same thing...and it worked out just fine. I do have two parties as the friend party starts to become more popular...I have his friend party and then I have cake and coffee with family. My family is close..so I invite the people we are close with...grandparents, great grandparents, uncles...it's what we do...it's the Italian in us LOL. We always give out gift bags. I don't think it makes a difference where you have it as long as the child has fun. His best party was a sleepover with 10 kids and all they did was play at my house. So far...they are still talking about it.

Oh - and about staying or dropping off....I think that the parents usually set a tone with when to do that. I have even stayed with my 11 year old still....some of the parents just stayed. So...I think you have to go by the "tone" of the party. I think the object of the whole thing is to have the kids have fun...and I think you can do that anywhere as long as you prepare properly at home if it is at your house. I think gift bags are fun for the kids....I don't know if donating to a favorite charity would get lost on a child...I think they look forward to the stupid little ball or something funny to open.

Good Morning,
I haven't read any of the comments yet, but I'm just going to chime in..... I tend to be more 'old school' when it comes to birthday parties and such with my children. We always have a cake and our family to sing happy birthday at home. On the "big" birthdays like 5, 10 etc... we do a party with whomever our children want to invite - mostly friends! At a five-year old birthday party at Jungle Fun, we gave out goody bags, because I think they came with the party. Other than that, I don't give out goody bags. I don't think they are necessary.

The five-year old party at Jungle Fun, parents stayed, which I think is appropriate. They are still babies at that age. And I did feed them - the parents, that is. For my son's 10-year old party, we had a sleepover and no parents stayed! Also appropriate! And we didn't give our goody bags, though one kid did ask where his was!!

For the in-between birthdays - and I mean non-milestone ones - we don't do much more than the family party. Though, this year, my kindergartener had a 1/2 year party at school. Boy, did that open a can of worms. It was all he could talk about and he was pretty convinced that he needed to have a 1/2 year party at home!! Enough!

Birthdays are fun and I like to celebrate them. But aspects of this make me worry that we are on a slippery slope...

First off, most of our family members live far enough away that we don't plan a family party. Also, both of my kids have winter birthdays, so this has provided a challenge for parties at home, especially to keep a bunch of boys occupied. We consider what the child wants to do for their birthday, and plan a party accordingly within our budget. We have never invited the whole class, and frankly if everyone did that we would be invited to over forty birthday parties between the two kids! When they were younger, we invited all the girls or all the boys, but as they got older we invite the closest friends from all their social circles. It's been a challenge when we had to work within a birthday package deal for a certain number of kids, because the numbers don't always mesh, but we made it work. We have always had enough food to offer it to the parents who did stay. Goodie bags are fun for the kids, and usually I can find things at the dollar store that were useful, practical, and not looked upon as junk by kids or parents. I started leaving my child at parties at age 6, and that seems to be when most other parents did as well. I usually ask the parent of a birthday child for things that are on their wish list, and choose an item that is reasonably priced for a gift.

The one etiquette type thing that wasn't addressed in the question is the opening of the kid's presents at the party. My personal feeling is that this is best done at home when the party is over, especially until at least age 6 or 7. When they are younger, and they are opening presents in front of all the kids, it just seems like chaos. With every present passed to the birthday child, all the other kids are crowding closer and closer to the birthday child while they open them, the kids in the back get upset because they can't see, and parents keep saying, "Back up, please!" and the cycle keeps repeating. Then when a birthday child wants to stop and look or play with something, and we say, "No, not now, keep opening presents!" The kids get like 3 nanoseconds to look at it, but the next child is like "HERE, open mine next!" and when they're little this all creates frustration. They are usually already so wound up from overall excitement, and I feel this is just additional undue stress for both kids and parents!

When my four children were growing up we did have birthday parties. Not every year. More like every 3 - 5 years and only if the kid wanted it. With the execption of a few times, the parties were always at home. One year we had a picnic at the Rose Garden. All boys, 8th grade needed lots of room to run, play football etc. We had sack races, three legged races and other crazy things. The ate like wolves and had a ball. Our second son had some conteporaries that were a little hard on the house (no home training, as the good Sisters would say) so we took them to an indoor miniature golf course. It was chaos, they asked my husband to leave. I believe that was the last party that son # 2 had. We have had Santa, Magicians, Storytellers etc at the house for #3&4. We did go to a restaurant one year (big mistake, think Black Friday Week-end near the mall), we did invite parents to stay, since with traffic it would be pointless to leave. For #4 a Halloween baby, we have gone to the pumpkin patch, hayrides, ponyrides etc. but we always come home for the cake and ice cream. We've had surprise "16" parties for most of our kids, with their friends helping to plan them. We have never given goodie bags, but we always gave a small token with a "Thank you for celebrating with me" note attached. Moms and Dads, don't give in to preer preasure, have the party at home, play games, have fun get a clown! Your kids will remember it and continue the practice when they are parent. BTDT

I wanted to comment @ Mary Anne Looby - I couldn't have said it any better myself (response to Wayne), and I am only 26 years old. I think age (anyone over 40, as stated in your response) has little to do with it. Rather, it is an entitled mentality that unfortunately, many these days have grown accustomed to having.

We also always had a family party. Usually the Sunday nearest the big day. Grandparents and Godparents came for dinner. Everyone else joined us later for Birthday cake. We never asked for specific gifts, people were smart enough to know what to give. My parents, bless their hearts always bought a new snowsuit, or winter coat. They knew the sizes, and were always practical. While we never asked for it, we appreiciated it.

I've got our first party coming up next month, I have never really done a big party with outside guests, it's always been family, but this year we are hitting 10 and 13, I feel I want to do something bigger and that is the plan right now.

As far as kids from school, I have always felt if your handing invites out at school, every child gets invited, if your mailing them, you can pick and choose as you like, which is what we are doing this year. I have allowed my daughter to invite three kids from her class, the rest of the guests will be family and close friends and that's already almost hitting 50 people!

Being that the kids invited will all be 5th graders, I believe that this age child can be dropped off and picked up, I'm going with maybe 3rd graders and younger should probably have a parent with them at the party, where I would feed the parent and make sure they had fun as well.

I plan to have a candy bar set up for the young children who are invited and the pool will be there for everyone to have fun.

I think from 4th grade on, kids really don't want to play corny games, but they want to just hang and have fun with their friends.

Melissa, I understand what you are saying and have no problem with being asked if there is something special that the child wants. Of course there were plenty of times that my family (who all live very close) would ask the same questions. I too have done it for my family. However there is a big difference between answering asked questions and suggesting, in writing, on an invitation what the gift should be. I stand by my comments.

when I was growing up we did not have much money to spend on parties, gifts and goody bags. I lived with my grandparents who had more off a "Great Depression mentality about frivolous things...but you know what? I learned a few things like the value of a dollar. My kids are also learning this lesson. We were taught that when you give gifts you give things that are needed or can be used like clothing (or in the case of my niece...pineapples. lol). Sometimes we got trinkets like necklaces, earrings, or bracelets. My girls are now 11 & 9 and they are used to the same thing. We usually give cash, gift cards, and accompany it by something handmade. Their birthdays are in summer so our favors are often little flowers or herbs (a 6-pack cut up so each individual sectio can be given out after it is placed in a decorated disposable plastic cup. The favors double as table decoration. the main idea is to celebrate the children's birthday...kids don't get offended by etiquette, only adults do. Perhaps it is our perspective that could use an adjustment. Even if your child doesn't get a gift from a guest (maybe they don't have the money) they shouldn't expect anything from anyone so that they appreciate what they are given, no matter what it is. And guess what? My kids do. (Most of the time. lol)

My son turned 5 this year, his last at nursery school. Previously his parties were very small, just the few kids he's grown up with in a play group. This year we splurged (definitely!) and had it at Bounce-U. Which was pricey, but they did a great job and we invited his entire class (not everyone could make it) and the few children from his play group that are his age. Next year we're going back to small, and I love the suggestions that people posted. Doing a neat craft that they can take home, or make their own mini pizzas (Berenstain Bears did that!), decorate their own cookies or cupcakes; sitting on balloons, pin the tail on the what-have-you... great old-fashioned games are still fun.

As for goody bags, yes, a lot of cheap plastic trinkets that break quickly are kind of a waste. I had to do two goody bags this year (for his class party, and then his birthday party). For the birthday party, I found some inexpensive small Toy Story books online, and included a full-sized tube of mini M&Ms. That was it. Quality over quantity, plus they received a free pass for another visit to Bounce U. For school, I ordered chocolate chip cookies from Klein's Farm, which they wrapped individually and omitted the price off the sticker which listed the ingredients. I also ordered these rubber frogs from an office supply company (they were listed as stress-relievers because they're squishy!) and put those in the bag as well. My son had brought his in for a show and tell one day and all the kids were interested in it.
Regarding gift requests, some parents asked what my son needed or wanted when they RSVP'd. I didn't list anything on the invitation, and I don't recall seeing anything on any invitation we've ever received. When I RSVP to other birthday parties, I always ask, since I'd like to get the child something they'd like or could actually use. Not to be harsh to Wayne, because listing what you want/need is absolutely practical, but it is considered poor etiquette.

BTW, what do you do when the RSVP date has come and gone and there are still many people who haven't replied? Because our party was being held at a facility where we needed an accurate head count, I called to follow up with those who hadn't replied yet. I wasn't annoyed and neither was anyone else. I understood that many people get busy and it slips their mind.

Hello. I'd like to start out by saying that I never had my own birthday party (even as a kid) and was only invited to one that I was allowed to go to. Now, fast forward many years, and I have 3 children that have birthday blasts. My family doesn't attend after a falling out years ago and unfortunately my father, their only grandfather has passed away. Now a birthday blast doesn't mean lots of money or a lot of people. My son who just turned nine said this past birthday was his best one yet, what did we do? It started with BINGO in the livingroom with prizes and was followed by a scavenger hunt in the back yard. At this age, the kids wanted to see him open gifts and I started with the general rules and everything went smoothly. Yes, the kids did get goodie bags with a puzzle or a chapter book.
When parents called to RSVP, they usually ask what he would like, my response is always, "well he likes so and so, and blah, blah, blah, but he'll appreciate any gift". I don't believe in using a child's birthday party to further your charity beliefs by asking for donations to a specific place. Let the child be a child and enjoy one day that is dedicated to them.

Like I said, my son turned 9 and I still don't let him go to parties alone. The birthday parents are too caught up in making their childs day fabulous that I can't expect them to keep an eye on my child and pay attention to the strangers around him. That's my job.

I am sorry Wayne, but I am not judgemental! I am simply stating the truth as I know it. I have been a mother for over 40 years. I know enough people from all walks of life to know that when people receive invitations with "sugestions" for gifts they talk about it and think it is tacky! If your family and circle of friends don't mind then you are obviously in the right place.

I once heard a well respected psycologist say that people that do not RSVP or are constantly late, do so because they think they are better than the person whom they are inconveniencing. By practicing these behaviors they are telling you that your time is not as important as theirs. I've had people "forget" to RSVP, but they only do it once. I don't waste second invitations on people who behave this way. Most of you have young children. Wait until you host a wedding and have to call 25 or 30 of your kids friends, you will find that it is annoying! It all comes down to RESPECT, something that an awful lot of folks in this country are lacking.

Sorry Daryl, but using poor time managment as an excuse is just that. By saying that you are aware that you do these things repeatedly and yet do nothing to correct them, is truly a lack of respect for others. Is what you are doing so important that you keep someone waiting, or is that just your perception? Think about it.

Daryl:

If you are often late and sometimes forget to RSVP - I would be curious as to your reaction if your host/hostess decided to (A) start dinner or whatever without you or (B) fail to provide a seat/table/meal for you at an event such as a wedding because of the lack of an RSVP. Would you be offended? Would you be upset if invitations dried up?

First of all, I'm sorry I said anything. I just broke my own rule about entering these conversations. Second of all, Pam, if I fail to RSVP for a formal event, like a wedding, I wouldn't expect to be welcomed. I'm not stupid or inconsiderate. If I forget to RSVP, I don't go. Third, Mary Ann, I'm not wavering in my statement. I know what's in my heart and in my mind. You don't. And neither does some hack shrink who makes broad generalizations about people on TV. My friends know who I am and accept me as such. Some folks are chronically late and there might be a variety of reasons for this. In my case, a lack of respect for people is not the issue. I think it's a gross generalization.

Daryl, I would suspect that since you can't remember to RSVP you would not remember to attend the event. You keep refering to hack shrinks, which I find very rude. I don't know what you do for a living, but I am sure that you would take offense if someone refered to your line of work in a prjudicial manner. As far as broad generalizations go, you either except them from people who have experience within the medical community or not. I have seen enough to believe that some professionals do know of what they speak. I have no idea where TV enters into this unless you have made some broad generalization that your "hack shrinks" are all on TV. The person I was speaking about is a well respected member of the the Lehigh Valley community and the topic was address at a mental health forum. It actually came up during a Q & A.

I agree Wayne. I guess that was ultimately the point I was making, but you said it better. Thank you.

Sorry boys, judgemental I am not. Daryl, I had a sense that you had been through counseling of some sort. I judge situations,not people. Daryl, if you had respect and consideration for people you would remember to RSVP, and we would not be having this little chat. You did in fact cast aspersions on a profession. Since you had no idea who the person was you chose to paint them with your brush of broad generalization. How embarassed would you be if you found out that the person I was speaking about was the same one who helped you? As a journalist you should know to think before you speak or write. The bottom line here boys is that both of you are pissed for being called out. Wayne, your practice of suggesting gifts for your child is tacky and rude. Daryl, being late and not RSVP'ing is rude and inexcusable in an adult. You can blather all you want about it, but it does not change the facts. You two boys should go and have a beer!

Jenae, I have a sister who is in her 50's. First she was late because of the kids. As time moved on it was always something else that made her late. She is still always late or flying in at the last nanosecond. Why do you suppose there are some people that are never late? Is it becuase they have less responsibilities, or less to do? I don't believe that to be true. What I do believe is that people who are late use those excuses because they think they are acceptable.
Enabling someone to continue to be late is wrong. May be after all of this back and forth today, everyone will think about being on time, RSVP'ing and proper ettiquette. Sorry I caused the topic to get so blurred.

O.K., what were we talking about again?

Yes Beth - it was bday parties and proper etiquette...although it seemed to go a bit off the path...I guess the etiquette part still held through. LOL

A friend of mine recently did a book swap as an alternative to gift giving. In lieu of presents for the birthday girl, she requested each guest bring a book to swap with another guest. That way, everyone got to go home with something 'new' and different and money was saved by all! Neat idea!

So, I have a few thoughts! I absolutely believe that you can hold a low key party that is tons of fun and, most importantly, memorable. I would keep the party a family affair; however, if you're child has two or three really close friends, let them come over. You should not invite the entire class and definitely not their parents. That's just insane. For folks w/ large families (this goes w/ previous sentence and is not meant to sound cold), invite the people your child is close to and the people they know. I would leave the gift-giving to the immediate family. I wouldn't ask anyone else to bring a gift. I suggest renting a small pavilion at a local park for the party. What if it rains? It's a pavilion. There's a roof. Bring water balloons, pop them under the downspout and make the best of what Mother Nature has to offer. You could also hold it at your ... house! I may be the youngster in this convo, but I've only had one surprise party, a birthday/grad party and one 21st birthday. Other than that, my parties have always been low key. Looking back, my most memorable birthdays were the ones I spent with my family and a friend or two. I would get a few gifts (with four kids, we were not well-off), a homemade cake topped with sparklers (outdoor-use suggested), and then I'd head outdoors, family in tow, and we'd find something fun to do. Having multiple friends at my "parties" -- honestly -- did not become über important to me until I turned 21. Think simple and memorable.

Just an FYI for the people that do not have school-aged children yet - When your child is in school and wants to invite a friend or two from their class to their birthday party, you need to mail the invitations. In Parkland School System, you are not allowed to give out any party invitations to only select friends, the WHOLE class MUST get one. Sorry, I don't make the rules, I just follow them. Also, we have invited the whole class to his parties and only about 8-10 kids show up, so it's not like you're going to have 25 kids to entertain for day.

Pretty sure it's the same in East Penn as well, it was in Salisbury

Melissa, that sounds reasonable. Let's face it-you can't be friends with everyone. And, quite frankly, there are a number of kids in my daughters class that she doesn't want to invite (nor do I). Good luck and I hope it goes well.

I don't think the schools are dictating Beth. As I have said before, I've been a Mother for a long time and I can tell you these practices came out of parents complaining on behalf of their kids. Sadly somewhere along the lines someone deceided that all kids should get a trophy and no one should ever be labled a looser. This is all the result of a feel good society that thinks kids should never have to feel bad. The result of this school of thought is children behaving badly everywhere. You see them in restaurants, stores, church etc. I don't know how old any of you girls are, but you can bet that some of your parents generation had a hand in this fiasco. You are right, eventually they grow up and don't get prom queen, or captain of the football team and they take it personally, becuase they were never taught that everyone can't be a winner every time.

Thank you for your comment Mary Anne. I guess the best that we can do is just that. I just hope that parents with similar thoughts and yes, morals will feel comfortable speaking up in some of these sticky situations. What is ultimately best for the child? Sheltering them from all the bad in the world? Or just letting them experience situations for what they are? My parents are in their 70's, so not quite part of the baby boomer generation. They have a frugal outlook, a terrific work ethic, and a general sense of kindness and help your neighbor attitude. I feel fortunate to have grown up with those lessons in our house. I hope to impart many of their values on our children. And, in the future, I still won't be inviting the whole class to the party.